Last night I danced some sneaky menacing funk off. I went to a totally frenetic sweaty jazzy-gypsy-ska type gig and for 3 hours I felt like I was 19 again, cares forgot.
I needed that because everything right now feels like it is coming unravelled. All the unwavering trust I placed in the process is feeling a little tired and inert. That eternal juggling act of work, money and kids is feeling like a major uphill struggle again and the light that was for a while growing brighter at the end of the tunnel has been obscured for now. In the space of one week I learnt that my employer is all but abolishing over time and for me this is the difference between surviving and not meeting outgoings. Then I put two and two together and realised the new job I just trained for, which was to see an end to me working night shifts, has fallen through due to lack of clients and un-suitable hours and yesterday the old lady I clean for on a Friday rang me up and sacked me because she was feeling retrospectively cantankerous about the two weeks I've been unable to get to her ... which she was fine about when we spoke before hand. Being back on the job hunt and reminded of the difficulties facing mamas who need to work but can't afford childcare is totally sucking, again.
BUT, I am trying hard to remember that if I am to continue honouring my feeling that everything happens exactly when it should and that the universe has it all sewn up then this week of bad luck is making way for something else, something even better. If nothing else it has got me thinking again of vision and manifestation ... although right now I'd be happy to settle for a job stacking shelves somewhere so long as they pay me I have the urge to plot out a map of companies and organisations I would like to work for that would resonate with my interests be it holistic health, gardening, wholefoods, kids, etc. But you know what, more than anything this all makes me hope wildly that my kids do not face the same struggles when they have families of their own, it makes me hope and resolve I will be around to help with childcare, logistics, moral support and ease the complexities they won't have foreseen in the naive romance of pregnancy.
That's the nitty gritty, there are also gratitude's to hold close by. The sun has been shining for almost a week now! Totally grateful! For the raw foods I am inspired to prepare and the fact that my kids are totally in to salads now ... grateful! For the roof over our heads and my kids unending love even when I fall short of the mama mark ... grateful! For whipping up a frenzy with the kids at Strawberry fair last weekend and nail painting, fairy dust and bindi wearing with the girl ... grateful! For the unexpected acquisition of an extra couple of hours on a friday afternoon to clean my OWN house ... grateful! And I can't wait for the summer holidays in six weeks so that we three can settle into that rhythm I know we always find when there is no external schedule to run to!
love and light x
love and light x