Running and motherhood - they're not dissimilar are they?
My 10K run on Sunday morning is my sanctuary, my one precious block of time that is mine, all mine! (she says with a rather maniacal look in her eye) Just me, the tow path, nature and my music. Not only this but the earth I pound fills a dance floor shaped hole left vacant when the kids arrived on the scene. We used to party hard and to be honest, though having kids is something we had to do I miss our dance floor shenanigans. But I also concluded, long ago, I can get the same high - the same rush from running real hard with my set to nostalgia blasting out fat breaks and beats. I still grin stupidly in anticipation of said breaks and as they drop my body finds another gear, my pace becomes more frenetic, adrenalin starts pumping and I feel a tide of familiar twinkles wash through my body ... just like the dance floor. Well, nothing will quite replace those crazy hazy days but this is wholesome feel good stuff!
The motherhood comparison then ... you've got to push on through it haven't you. Whatever the obstacles are you've got to dig deep and push on through. Rise to the challenges large and small and don't for god sake let them beat you. Easier said than done I'll be the first to admit. I ran through many stitches, a mild asthma attack and tired limbs on Sunday. I wondered if I should turn back, play it safe and get my inhaler but more than this I wanted to push forward, challenge my body and the asthma knowing I can manage it without medication sometimes. I didn't want to let it stop me enjoying this hour or so and despite, or maybe in spite of those things I made myself run a couple of kilometres more than usual. Demanding more and better of myself.
This totally parallels where I am right now with my kids and the myriad challenges motherhood is throwing up. It is not easy. I wanted and still want it so much and am grateful for my kids and love them fiercely every day, but weather it's a phase they are going through, a phase I'm going through or weather I'm just not the greatest Mama material it's bloody hard. I took this path though so I can't give up. I don't even want to give up, I just wish I was better at it, like I am at running.
The thing is, running is training unless I put myself in for a race (which I must do this year) but you train on the job in motherhood, thrown right in at the deep end. There is so much I still don't get yet like how little boys work ... no flippin' idea! Apparently they are simple and very special. Special yes I see that but simple ... then why is it so hard for me to figure my boy out, find gentle discipline methods that work? Why do I end up yelling when I can't reach him even though I know this is counterproductive? Like always honouring their interests even if I can't personally think of anything more boring.
And the things I have already learnt but fail to apply ... like getting dinner for five not six when they are too tired and grumpy to eat it. Like making something they will actually eat instead of thinking sod it they'll have to make do with what we're having. Like not bothering to buy them a fancy meal when we eat out - they aren't likely to eat anything other than simplicity itself. Like meditating regularly, a little but often to maintain peace within my being like I promised myself I would. To name but a few. I distinctly remember pronouncing optimistically that I 'need a new challenge' as we tried to conceive ... ha ha ha... careful what you wish for and all the rest
Drawing these comparisons and identifying metaphors helps me understand myself and life. Strangely I feel better about one thing seeing it through another. It also gives me faith - if I can succeed with running and rise enthusiastically to the challenges there, however the magnitude differs perhaps I'll be with motherhood eventually too. It's all about endurance and believing despite or inspite of the things I don't get quite right.
It isn't all work and no play though, today has been a delight. was convinced she'd need her swimming costume for visiting new friends on their boat and that it would involve getting wet somehow. Thankfully it didn't!
... Charity Shop treasure haul! I realised how few games we have and perhaps this is why my kids get bored easily. No more. I get such a kick out of thrifting!
at ours after school with old friends - the kids played so well together, always makes me smile inside and out.
And the weekend bought delights even if the early warm front has vanished without a trace. The boy and I planted more bulbs in the garden.
... I had a sneaky turn on the swing in the park with - why do we ever stop swinging? It's awesome fun!
school disco was a flop on Friday night, he hated it. But it was very positive to feel the connection between us as we left early - he squeezed my hand tighter, declared his love softly and often. Crumpets, hot chocolate and the was a far better deal.
... Playing games with them both on Sunday afternoon - this is when I realised we needed more, it works - everyone is occupied altogether all at once.
... Snoozin' with my girl post night shift yesterday. Delicious.
... Bubbles - always keep a pot in my bag!
So there you have it. It all balances out and I'll keep on keeping on anyhow.
Much love & blessings x